I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
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