May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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