I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
