Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
