Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
