Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
