i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
