After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
