shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
