Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
