that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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