I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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