A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
