I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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