you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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