the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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