her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
