he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
