He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
