it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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