Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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