my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
