Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
