My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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