You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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