I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
