My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
