You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
