I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You can't just leave with hair like that
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
