Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
