Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my shit smells like andre
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I will be naked everywhere
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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