Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
