If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
