Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Randomize
