Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
