i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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