My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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