i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
