cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
