SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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