Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
