My friends, they love my intelligence
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
