his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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