While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
