Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
