I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
