By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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