she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
