it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
