Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
soo... how was my night?
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