He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
