i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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