I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
50% drunk capacity currently
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
