Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wanna go halves on a baby?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
